The Amazon forest is burning and there’s nothing I can do about it. Tears in my throat. Smoke in my eyes. I feel so angry. Furious. Depressed. Suffocated by the inability to do anything. Petitions. Prayers. Whatever, right? It’s exhausting to marvel at how powerless we are.
It seems as though the Bolsonaros and the Trumps and the Netanyahus of the world are winning.
I’ve always been a doubter, cynical, a bit edgy, and a little jaded. But where is the free spirit I used to be? I’m a less light-hearted version of myself these days. Am I maturing and discovering how sad this world really is? Am I turning bitter with age? Is it because the world is shittier than it used to be? Is it because the Bolonaros and the Trumps are driving us fast into the apocalypse?? Or is it because I’m a mom, and I haven’t slept in almost seven years? Is it because motherhood produces more worries? My outlook is darker. My spirit less fun (because I tell you, having to set boundaries all day long will take the fun outa you).
And my boobs are giving in to gravity. They have finally surrendered to half a century of breastfeeding. In the peek of perk, you really don’t believe it would happen to you. But two babies milking you through toddlerhood, sucking on your nipples day and night for so many years will end in droopage. It’s shocking when you catch a glimpse of your own sideboob and discover some devastating truths about scientific facts.
I went to an event last weekend, and naturally I wore a gorgeous boho dress. As I put it on and looked in the mirror, I was horrified to discover that my no bra policy may no longer apply. Fuck!
I’m all about rocking it and not giving a fuck. But fuck! I wasn’t feeling so fuckable.
And the school year started a couple of weeks ago. My daughter is in first grade. It’s exciting. But having to be a slave to the schedule again is not exactly bringing out the free spirit in me. And not being on Summer Break anymore is lame.
The wild woman in me keeps running into walls. From how I feel about the state of the world, through droopy boobs, to schedule slavery. And then there’s Burning Man – happening right now, as we speak. It’s been nine years since my last time. Whaaaaat???
See, between cleaning, and laundry, and drop offs, and pick ups, and farmers markets, and grocery stores, and making sure no one gets hurt, and “Time to put toys away!” and cooking and “Hey! I said let’s put toys away fifteen minutes ago!” and chopping, and stirring, and “Come on you guys, put away your toys so we have time for story before bed!” and then there’s more cleaning after bedtime… there’s not a lot of space to save the planet or dance in the desert, or hike up a mountain whenever you feel like it. A shift in perspective doesn’t feel as accessible as it used to. And you start to forget where the wild things are.
There’s no quick magic trick. When I feel the world’s breaking right inside my heart, or the walls of my domesticated life close in on me, I know it’ll take effort to grow new roots in the wild soil of my soul.
There’s a loss of self that breathes beneath the surface of motherhood.
Many aspects of you drowned in a sink full of dishes, or are suffocating beneath a pile of unfolded toddler clothes. You need to figure out how to restructure – the tectonic plates have shifted around so much, that the landscape of your being is not recognizable. And you wonder where you are.
Patterns in your mind that you thought you’ve redirected may reappear and nestle within their old spots on the map of your unconscious. Tools and tricks that have been known to heal you in the past lose their power.
A rewiring is required.
And you have to reclaim your space!
Did you meditate today? Did you move your body enough? Are you breathing? Seriously – right now – take a slow, deep breath in, pause at the top, and exhale slowly.
I realize that the sharp edges I’ve been bumping into have something to do with not practicing enough. Look, life is complex, and there’s a lot to the situation, and there are no simple answers. But is it possible that these good old tricks are not working because I’ve been barely putting them to use?
The last couple of months have been so full. I’ve been trying to get a new project up and running. I care about it a lot. And when you add that to an already super full life, it adds stress. You gotta get a lot more done than the usual. I may be piling on too much. So the regularity of my sadhana went out the window. Plus there’s been some devastation – personal and global.
With school being back, I have to get up at 6am and get everything ready. This whole past week I’ve been getting up around 5:20am. A little pranayama. Meditation. Mantra. Mudra. A little chant. Three Sun Salutations. A few rounds of Agnisara.
It makes a difference.
My beloved Andrew reminded me last night, that we have to do the work locally. Locally affects globally. Oh Andrew! Thank you for that! Caring for our children may not save Amazonia, or the children at the boarders. But the space where I can make a difference is inside myself. Use my practices to help me clear inner clutter, uproot the guilt that spreads wide and the shame that runs deep, redirect the flow of my thoughts, and plant seeds of self acceptance. Rewire and restructure. Maybe even recover some of the files of free spirit, wild woman.
The truth is – when I practice, I am more pleasant to be around.
The place where I have the power to affect is right here, at our home, doing what I do – loving and caring for our kids in this deep, fierce, full on, unconditional way, and creating space for them to became who they are.
From this place we may be able to reach beyond ourselves.
But we really need to take ourselves first.
So what about you? What is one thing you can do to take better care of yourself? What do you need to do in order to have more energy to deal with the world, and care for more than yourself? I would really love to know! Write a comment below and share.
Thank you! I can’t wait to hear from you!