What’s the area of your life that feels the most out of control for you?
I can name a few things here. We really are in control of so little, aren’t we? But if I had to choose the one main thing, it would be Time.
It’s the heartbreaking beauty of watching my kids growing up so fast, too fast, perfectly appropriately on time, I guess, but too fucking fast!!!! There’s a letting go that needs to happen every day, as they change so rapidly. They go to sleep, and when they wake up the next morning they are different people. My daughter is finishing up kindergarten today, and I just can’t wrap my head around it. It’s a great privilege to watch the wonder of their development happening right in front of my eyes, right under my wing, right beneath my breath and my kisses. And I’ve been crying all week ‘cause it’s a constant goodbye, and it’s like sand between my fingers, and I don’t want to let it slip away. But it’s entirely not up to me.
It’s the pain of seeing my parents aging. It was only a minute ago that I was a little girl and they were my world, knowing everything about everything, and keeping me safe. From where I stand now, I can see way too clearly how limited our time together is. What a gift to have this unconditional love and support pulsing in my life, still in body and in form. I know in my bones how fragile this gift is. What used to feel like solid ground, now feels more like thin ice about to crack. Knowing that I will have to deal with falling into the freezing waters of grief is so intense. And there is nothing I can do to make the ice grow thicker.
It’s the shock of realizing how quickly the last twenty years of my life have gone by. Holy motherfucking shit! This August I’ll be celebrating twenty years in LA! TWENTY! What???!!!! That’s half my life! And it’s pretty clear that the next twenty years will go even faster. I see the reflection of this hard fact when I look in the mirror and notice the signs painted over my body and face. It’s mind blowing to arrive at this stage. The understanding of how quickly youth evaporates is a trip. There’s the promise of great wisdom, and I’m grateful, and it’s a privilege… yes! But man! It hurts. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
And then there’s the mind fuck of managing time.
Between all the homemaking and children raising and all the obligations, it feels nearly impossible to do anything else. I have gone through years filled with burning desire to create more, and with perfectly valid reasons to why I don’t have what it takes to make it happen.
I sit somewhere between choosing it, falling into it, and battling it. Giving into it. Leaning into it. Resisting it. And choosing it again.
Look, there’s NEVER enough time. It IS slipping away. AND time is also running after us, eating us up as we speak. My favorite goddess, Kali, represents exactly that. Her name even comes from the root Kala, which means time in Sanskrit. She’s the womb of existence, holding it all within her dark waters. She’s wild and fierce and loving. She gives birth to everything. And as we live, she devours us, one breath at a time.
The other side of Kali is goddess Lalita – the pleasure invoking, desire provoking, sexy mama, queen bee, sovereign, independent, passion igniter goddess.
Lalita asks: What do you truly desire? What are you willing to do about it?
So what is it that you really want, but keep pushing into the territory of “there’s not enough time?”
I’ve been training myself this year to work on my projects even when it seems impossible to get anything done. Even when it gets discouraging because my son wakes up three times between his bedtime and mine. Even when I’m tired as fuck and feeling like I’m done with it all. Even when it means the house will be less clean and organized.
I can find twenty minutes in my day to work on my book and develop my business. I can call it not enough, or I can call it better than nothing. I can give up on it, or I can relentlessly, keep at it. And on those moments when I feel like it’s going nowhere, I can remind myself that a little goes a long way.
Right where the out of controlness of your life threatens to consume you, the doorway into empowerment calls you. If you don’t hear the call, you just need to look for the crack in the wall. Sometimes the opening is hidden. But it’s there. (I always think of that moment in the movie Labyrinth, when Jennifer Connelly’s character can’t find her way in until she shifts her perspective, with the help of a little worm. How I LOVE that movie!).
It’s not about squeezing more into the day. Although sometimes it is. Carving time in an impossible schedule to work on creating the life I long for, is (slowly) changing my experience of time. It teaches me patience, because it takes way longer to create something, when all you have is a few minutes to give it. So I keep asking: What is it that I want? What am I willing to do about it? I am used to going all in – time, sweat, blood, and tears. Am I willing to change the way that I approach doing? Am I willing to do just a little, and trust that a little goes a long way?
Lack of time can reflect back the possibility of abundance when we shift our point of view. Not enoughness can become the source of resourcefulness when we’re willing to change our stories.
Slow down when I find myself rushing. When it all feels like it’s slipping away, be more present.
For now I fall on my face a lot. But maybe if I keep on practicing, perhaps one day, I will master one of those time-bending Kung Fu moves.
So tell me, what kind of conversations are you having with yourself about your inner resources? What is one thing in your life that feels out of control? And how are you working on empowering yourself with it? I would really love to know! Please comment below and tell me about it.
And hey, if you find this thought provoking, interesting, or moving in any way, please share it with your people.
Thank you so much for reading.