On Some days there’s a delicious feeling flowing through your tasks. On the other days, it all feels like ass.
I cherish the delicious days. And I tend to think of my life as a gorgeous gift, sparkling with magic and love, and sprinkled with enough challenges to keep me interested, and enough fall downs to keep me humble.
Sometimes, though, life hits you hard. And your inner world undergoes a makeover. In the process, you shed, you shake, you disappear, and you’re not even sure who you are anymore. You may be facing more struggle than you want to admit.
I’ve been served more and more humble pies in recent years, with a side dish of fermented reality. And it has changed the architecture of my personality. For better and worse.
I have always allowed the darkness. I honor the fierceness. I work on seeing my shadow. Just as much as I work on bringing more light. And I have to constantly make sure I am not consumed by it. My journey through my dark forest has been rich and thick and powerful. I’ve been learning so much. And I’ve also been battling with demons, making sure certain states don’t turn to traits.
I share this, because I know that you, perhaps, go through your own times of transformation. Maybe like me, you are a person on a path of transformation, constantly in the fire – challenging and changing yourself. Maybe like me you are a mama, with a full heart and a broken sense of self, and a tool box that you need to replace or upgrade. And maybe like me, sometimes you feel lost. I want you to know that you’re not alone.
I value the darkness, because I know the benefits of going deep, down, and in. I know I teach my kids about being whole by showing them that their darkness isn’t something to fear. That they don’t need to cast away the uncomfortable parts. To be integrated is to learn to weave together all aspects of who we are.
But I also notice that sometimes, the dark mud of my being threatens to swallow me. It can get sticky and heavy. And while there are lessons to learn in the mud, it’s not where I want to live all of my days. So I know I need to watch for the tendency to get stuck in there.
I started this year with a deep desire to invoke and reawaken to my own desires. My life force was feeling low, my self esteem was down, and I felt unworthy of focusing on what I wanted, which disconnected me from the process of creating the life I want to live, which made me feel not so empowered, which caused me to feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Seriously! Oy vey!
There’s a goddess in the Hindu Tradition named Lalita Tripura Sundhari. Lalita is the form of everything that we desire. She’s a sexy, empowered, independent, alluring, badass, soft, fluid, hot mama. And she’s the energizing, upleveling, heating, cracking open, stimulating feeling of desire itself. (Such a nutshell over here. There’s so much more).
Lalita holds different tools in her hands. Her tools are her empowerments. One of the things she holds is the Pasha – the noose. (Basically she’s Wonderwoman with a Sari).
With the noose, we pull towards us what we want. We see our desire. We feel the urge. We hear the call. We send for it. We wrap our lasso around it. We pull it our way.
How do we cultivate the vibes that will attract that which we desire? Sometimes that’s easy to do. Sometimes we need just a few little tweaks to make it happen. And sometimes there are many steps, and the road seems long and winding, between where you are, how you feel, what you want to create, and how you want to feel.
Last week I was feeling super down, so after I was honest with myself about my feelings, and then received the complexity of my experience, I started to ask myself: What do I want to do with this experience? In contrast to how shitty I’m feeling right now, and all the reasons that make me feel this way, how do I want to feel?
In her book The Desire Map, Danielle Laporte talks about how sometimes the antidote to a crappy inner state, is to reorient ourselves towards the feeling we actually want to have. She claims that by having the desire to feel a certain way, we start to take ourselves in the direction of that feeling.
I find it helpful.
Knowing how I want to feel creates a direction. From here I can draw an empowered map. I can breathe, invoking the feeling with each inhalation, rereleasing the stuckness – my attachment to the shitty feeling, the stickyness of it, its overpowering flavor – through each exhalation. I can spin my lasso and hurl it at my heart, catching my longed for feeling, and infusing my blood with it, sending it through my arteries to every corner of my being. Pump by pump. Breath by breath.
Try Pasha Mudra – the gesture of the noose. Cover the nails of your pinky, ring, and middle fingers with your thumbs. Hook your index fingers with one palm facing down and the other facing up. You can hold it in front of your heart for a few breaths. Eyes open or closed. You can also add the Bija (seed) Mantra Hrim to the flow of your breath as you hold the mudra.
Hrim is the Bija mantra of Lalita. Like the seed that holds within it the information of the tree it could become one day, this Bija mantra holds all the teachings about Lalita. It’s also the Bija mantra of the earth. (Again, nutshelling the situation).
Keep the feeling you want to invoke in your awareness. breathe and receive the gifts that come to you with slower breath, a mantra, a mudra, and a focused intention.
Just a few moments can make a difference. I did it yesterday in the car for five breaths, parked outside my daughter’s school, right before pick up. A little goes a long way.
It’s not the solution to all of our problems. Life is complex. There are lots of issues this won’t work for. But this is one tool – one powerful and beautiful tool – that can make a difference in our inner life, our relationship with ourselves, and our presence in the world.
I hope this inspires you. Give it a try. Let me know how it goes. And hey, if you find this post helpful in any way, I would sooooo appreciate it if you share it with others.
Embracing you and holding space for you on your journey.