Right now you might be in the midst of it all. Laundry. Dishes. Bedtime. Snuggles. Homework. Cooking. Breastfeeding. Cleaning.
Right now you might feel like none of the things you thought your life was going to be about is lived through.
Right now it might seem like you are never going to be who you thought you were going to be.
Right now you might be picking up some toys off of the living room floor. Or not.
Right now your tiredness is hitting you hard. You’ve been taking care of little people all day. The house. The cats. The dog. The world. You’ve been working you butt off.
Right now you might be on the toilet. Pretending to be pooping. But really, you’re just on Instagram, scrolling and scrolling through worlds of #flatabs and #foodporn and #bohochic and #yogaeveryday. Outside the bathroom door you hear all kinds of noises that normally would worry you, but you’re so involved in #festivalfashion , imagining what fun you could be having in the desert right now, wearing that body suit…
You’re tired as fuck.
You want to still look good in that body suit… One day you might wear it again.
You want to hear the sound of your own breath, flowing in and out, deep and slow.
Meditation… Oh yeah! You used to do that… “Maybe I could start again!” You say to yourself with conviction. “I’ll just get out of bed 15 minutes earlier every day. It’s doable!”
But you know that getting up at 5:45am tomorrow morning just ain’t gonna happen.
You’re so tired. That fifth cup of coffee did noting for you, did it?
Right now you want to do yoga. But you’re glued to the couch. You’re stuck. No, literally. The couch has glue on it. How the fuck did it get there? So instead of rolling out your mat, you google “how to get glue off a couch?” In your search you wander into a virtual world of all-natural, chemical-free cleaning products, which leads you down a winding road that ends in that brand of essential oils everyone’s crazy about. Sign me up! I could start a whole new career selling these. Yes! I’m passionate! Passive income! I could do this! I’m gonna invite all my friends and their friends for an evening of scents. I’ll make tea. We can do a potluck. Or I could just make snacks. At least 15 people will sign up for sure! Who doesn’t want to start healing their lives with lavender?!
Right now it might feel like you’re in between things. You’re not anywhere but you’re everywhere. Spread thin. Stretched out. Only you haven’t stretched out in weeks. And you don’t really feel thin.
Right now you can’t spend the money.
Right now you’re gonna spend the money anyway.
You deserve it.
But you feel guilty.
You also deserve that chocolate, so go grab it.
Right now you stare at a pile of books. One day you will read again.
Right now you might hear the baby waking up for the fifth time this evening since bedtime. You don’t feel like going back into the bedroom to sooth him.
But you do.
You love the sensation of his skin so much. He smells so good. You just want to do your own things right now. But you melt into the sweetness of your baby.
Right now you might be regretting going back to work, because you feel like you’re missing out on all the important stuff.
Right now you feel like you shouldn’t have given up on that glorious career, ‘cause now you’re just a stay at home mom, and your’e missing out on all the important stuff. And you feel like your entire worthiness has been crushed and run over by a stomping toddler.
Right now you dream about all the things you could have done with your life.
You miss your freedom. You crave alone time.
And every time you are away from your little ones you miss them like crazy and you just cannot wait to hug them.
You are having an identity crisis. And a midlife crisis. And a laundry crisis.
Right now things are a bit out of control. Kinda crazy. Practically insane.
Right now you’re excited and you’re sad and you’re confused and you’re determined. You’re anxious and you’re depressed. And you’ve never been happier.
Right now you’re in the midst of motherhood.